day 81. I think I pulled a muscle going with the flow

GoWithTheFlow

I try too hard. I’m just going to say that upfront. This I know about myself.

I love the concept of going with the flow. However when I try it, to use the preferred analogy, I usually end up in the river with the flow going the ‘wrong’ way and me swimming frantically against it. Or at the very least, even if I’m going in the direction of the flow, I’m trying to push it forward faster than it wants to go.

Hence the concept of pulling a muscle going with the flow.

I realise I have to stop trying so hard. But where’s the balance between trying too hard and not trying at all?

There’s certainly a middle way between stuffing my face watching episodes of Arrow and meditating and chakradancing and drinking green juices. But it beats me if I can find it.

Yesterday I felt triggered by some emotional stuff with an ex. I came home from work and made my banana-cacao ice-cream which I ate with goji berries and pepitas – all good and green and healthy – and curled up in bed with the DVD series Unites States of Tara. It was okay, kind of nurturing, until I ate my third bowl.

Instead of writing myself off for the night and letting my over-eating take over, I went for a run with the dog, did a chakradance and then did a chakra chanting meditation. After which I fell soundly asleep at 9:30pm.

I woke up today feeling so refreshed. The depression that’s been dogging me for a month has lifted (for now).

I don’t have the answers about how to find balance. I’m still learning.

It’s no wonder I’m such a try hard, growing up in a family of overachievers.

My dad overcame disability and chronic childhood illness to become a leader in his field and be awarded an OAM for his life work.

My mum was a working mother, who raised two kids, worked full time, and on weekends would engage in DIY activities like jack-hammering the concrete in the back yard and paving it with bricks. Then she’d cook and host a dinner party for 10.

Yep. Enough is never enough for my family.

When I came home with A on my report card, dad would say “why isn’t it an A+”. When I got 98% on my English final, he said “where did you lose the 2%?” I realise now he was kind of joking, but under the humour it was serious. He wanted me to always strive for better, like he did.

Now there’s nothing wrong with striving, as long as we feel like we are enough already.

My friend always reminds me “I am enough, I do enough, I have enough.”

Yep, there’s a lot of psychological conditioning from my childhood to overcome first!

On the plus side I believe my super-strong willpower has kept me going through depression and recovery from various addictions over the years. No matter how tough things have got, I never give up.

I can’t believe it’s five days since I last posted!

Y’all deserve two recipes for waiting that long.

I’ve been craving B12, well at least I assume that’s why I’ve been hankering for seaweed and tempeh. They’re not exactly comfort foods.

After a day of eating sushi and then having the tempeh pesto on zucchini noodles last night, I’m feeling much less foggy in the head. The bonus is they taste great too! The lemon zest in the pesto gives it a gorgeous cheesy taste. But don’t take my word for it – try it yourself.

Tempeh Pesto

tempeh pesto

1/2 cup almonds

1 cup parsley leaves

1 cup coriander

lemon rind of 1/2 lemon

juice 1/2 lemon

1/2 tbsp coconut oil

100g tempeh

Blend until desired texture. Serve on top of your favourite noodles, I use zucchini.

Raw sushi

sushi

Nori (seaweed) sheets

Grated zucchini

Sliced capsicum (in strips)

Sliced cucumber (in strips)

Spring onion

Avocado

Braggs amino spray

Assemble ingredients on nori sheet, spray with Bragg’s or shoyu sauce, roll up and cut according to taste – I cut in half as it tends to be less sturdy than nori rolls made with rice.

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About msrawmojo

Writer, Chakradance facilitatrice, bibliophile, lover of art, music and nature. Believer in the fundamental goodness of humanity. Member of the Order of Bards, Ovates, and Druids and currently undertaking studies in Contemporary Shamanism and reiki.

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